It started as heartburn…

Or so I thought.

In the spring that I celebrated my 43rd trip around the sun, I started to to notice a weird feeling in my chest. Just occasionally. Mostly at the end of the day. Always when I was at rest. Often after a meal. I was experiencing a higher than normal level of stress that spring and my dietary habits were all over the place as a result. I wasn’t always eating regularly. I was consuming much more gluten than I had been eating for a number of years. Even though I am pretty in tune with my body from my years of study in the wellness and fitness world, I figured I was just having some stress/diet induced heartburn, grabbed a bottle of over the counter relief, and kept moving forward with a little more attention to what I was eating that might trigger my symptoms.

That summer was my first as a massage therapy student. I had packed my schedule full of as many hours of learning as I could knowing my availability during the school year was more limited as an elementary school employee and mom of 2 active students. Even with more attention to what and when I was eating, the weird feeling in my chest continued. I started to observe the feeling more purposefully and realized that while yes, I often had the urge to burp when it happened, it was more of a flutter than a burn so I started manually taking my pulse when I would feel it happening. I realized there was definitely a connection between what I was feeling and what appeared to be an interrupted heartbeat.

Let me tell you, as someone who has worked for years in the wellness field talking to others about heart disease, I was TOTALLY freaked out at the thought that something was potentially wrong with MY heart. My stress was high and my health habits had suffered as a result. I knew the potential risks associated with such. I have a family history of heart disease. I may or may not have a tendency as a mother to easy spiral into worse case scenarios in my head when it comes to the future care and safety of my daughters, including (but not limited to) how long I will be around to help guide and witness their lives.

I went to my primary care provider. Thankfully we were able to capture an episode on an EKG printout while I was in office so that she was able to refer me for a stress test with a cardiologist. Having actually performed treadmill stress tests on a number of people throughout the early days of my training and career, I knew exactly what to expect and found the process pretty comforting actually. I had a great tech who performed my test. The cardiologist reviewed my results to confirm my PCP’s suspicions; I was having pre-ventricular contractions (PVCs) but since my heart responded as it should during my test, there was no recommendation for treatment. Basically I was having PVCs, I would probably continue to have PVCs, and I should just go about life without much worry. Easier said than done, but it was a relief knowing I probably wasn’t going to be experiencing a major cardiac event in the immediate future.

Fast forward to late fall that same year when I started to experience some itching around my lady parts and on occasion at my bra line. Having had a number of yeast infections in my 20s, which thankfully I had not experienced in years, I knew something was different this time around. I’m a bit sensitive to perfumes often used in laundry detergents, so we have used dye and scent free detergent for years. There had been no change in body soaps. I hadn’t changed menstrual products. No new underwear/bras. So again, I made an appointment with my PCP. Swabs showed my yeast and bacterial flora were pretty much normal. Having had a copper IUD inserted for birth control after the birth of our youngest, I was due to have it removed and a new one inserted. While there was little likelihood it was why I was experiencing itching in the area, I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for IUD removal. A second set of swabs confirmed no need for treatment for a yeast or bacterial infection. The PA at PP and I decided there was no harm in waiting a month before reinsertion to see if symptoms would improve, just in case. A month later I returned for a fresh IUD with no improvement in my itchiness. The mystery continued. So I decided to take one more step up the medical ladder and made an appointment with a OB/GYN office recommended by a friend. A third set of swabs confirmed what the first 2 showed; no issue, no answer, no treatment recommended. BUT my male gynecologist did offer me up a tri-fold pamphlet on how to keep my labia clean and healthy. I left feeling frustrated, defeated, and quite honestly pissed.

Basically, given I had no medical answers for either of my issues, I just continued living life managing things as best I could on my own. I learned to notice when too much caffeine, stress, or lack of proper rest were contributing to increased PVCs. I tried my best not to scratch, invested in a big old jar of coconut oil for moisturizing, and let all folds and creases breath as much as possible. Life went on.

IF you are still reading this, and IF you are a woman of a certain age, you can probably see where this whole rant is headed. You may even have had similar experiences and frustrations. Slowly over the past 4 years I’ve started to connect the dots and now realize that most likely those issues were the first of a growing list of peri-menopausal symptoms that have become a normal part of life in my 40s. Maybe they were triggered or exacerbated by extreme stress and that’s why they seemed to come on so suddenly. Maybe not. Maybe this is what it means to be 40-something.

Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed:

• A bit of thinning at my hairline, and an even greater number of chin and mustache hairs that need regularly plucked. (As a woman of Italian and German decent, I already had plenty!)
• I feel more comfortable wearing shorts this summer as over the past couple of years my thighs have decided to airmail their extra fat up to my stomach and back. (Don’t get me wrong, there’s still need for chub-rub to prevent chaffing during the hottest months of the year.)
• Being a hot blooded person in general, I can’t tell if I’m experiencing hot flashes or not, but apparently I’m like a little sweaty furnace at night in bed. Or so I’ve been told.
• My periods, while still relatively regular, definitely are not consistent when it comes to amount or length of flow. It’s a roll of the dice as to when/if/how often I’m going to overflow the limits of my menstrual cup during the first 24-36 hours, and if I should plan for 3 or 7 days discharge.
• Oh, and while I’ve generally not had much issue with cramping and discomfort during my cycles, apparently my left ovary has decided it needs a little more attention than I had been giving it throughout the years, challenging me to play “is it a tumor or just peri-menopause”. Mid-cycle. At the start of my cycle. On a random Tuesday.
• My energy and stamina in general has dropped to new record lows, along with my ability to give any fucks about what other people think about what I chose to do or say these days after years and years of putting other people’s needs/interests/opinions ahead of my own.

I feel fortunate in the fact I have a pretty solid background in basic health habits, including those specifically for women, that can help me manage the annoyances that accompany this stage of hormonal life. I also have a network of women I can lean on for support who themselves are health providers or who have experienced/are experiencing this time of life. But I’m also super annoyed and disappointed in the general attitude of our medical system who, even in the “future” of the 2020s, are often quick to dismiss women’s health issues when there is not a clear and defined picture for why, leaving women to simply talk amongst ourselves until hopefully we start the connect the dots to find some sense of relief and peace that what we are experiencing isn’t just “all in our heads”! With all that can be said about the negative side of social media and living life more digitally these days, it sure does make it easier to find resources and communities to help one deal with, and very often poke fun at, peri-menopausal/menopausal issues. Middle aged women who have have no more fucks to give are pretty damn funny.

I will admit, I have used the craziness of the pandemic over the past 2.5 years as an excuse to avoid annual physicals. Plus my trusted PCP took on an administrative roll and no longer sees patients. I hate the thought of having to start over building a relationship with a new provider at this point in my life. Of having to sit down with someone and talk through my health history. My mental health history. My personal weight history. And why I choose not to be on medications at this point in my life for certain issues the medical world would deem an problem. (I’m looking at you cholesterol.) BUT I’m trying to practice what I preach to my massage clients about prioritizing one’s care of one’s self, which includes making time for annual physicals and early detection screenings. So I went online this week, did some research on the new doctors available to see me at the clinic, and scheduled an appointment. I’m sure references to my weight and how it might be negatively affecting my health will be made. I’m quite certain questions about if I’m experiencing any peri-menopausal symptoms will not be asked. I guess only time will tell…

Thanks for being here friend – Jenn