It’s been 2 weeks since we moved our youngest into her dorm room to start her freshman year of college. In so many ways it still doesn’t feel real that she is gone. I keep waiting for the day she will come back home, just like the many times she was away for a few days at this summer camp or that summer camp. She is THRIVING at her chosen school and has commented on how she and her friends think it’s funny how quickly they started calling their dorms home. And how quickly they have become so close that it feels as though they have known each other for much longer than just 2 weeks. I could not be more proud or more excited for her. #proudmom
Over the past year, people have asked me over and over if I’m ready to be an empty nester. I never really knew how to answer that question because honestly I didn’t feel like I would be significantly affected by this transition. After all, both my girls still live within a 25 minute drive into the city from our small town suburban home. In fact, they live just 5 minutes from each other and only a short 7ish minute drive from my office. Unlike when I went to college 400+ miles from home, I can easily meet up with either of them for lunch or a quick cup of coffee any day of the week.
The day after we moved our daughter into her room, I already had people commenting on how I would now have time to do all those things I didn’t have time to do with kids at home. And honestly, those suggestions immediately made me mad. For the past 23 years I have been doing EXACTLY what I’ve wanted to be doing. Becoming a mom was very much a choice I made.
Side note: I’m a big fan of women being able to make their own choices when it comes to becoming a parent. Or not. Your body, your choice!
Getting pregnant with our first wasn’t a surprise or simply something I did because I felt it was expected of me as the natural order of things. Even though we married young, we were thoughtful about not bringing children into our lives until we felt ready. Thankfully when we felt the time was right, all the stars aligned and we were able to do so without any delay. What was unexpected, at least for me, were the twists and turns I’ve experienced professionally through the years to allow me to prioritize my choice to be a mom. Younger me, who was very career forward in her thinking, would not have predicted what my life would look like at this stage. While the financial implication of those choices have (and continue to be) stressful at times, I will NEVER regret choosing the ability to be present for my kids while they lived at home. I’ve had some really great unexpected “careers” along the way as a result. Experiences that I’m so thankful have been part of my journey, and that have all contributed in some way to me being a better community member, friend, mom, and business owner. As stressful as finances have been at times, I feel fortunate to have been able to make a choice to stay home and work only part-time, unlike so many moms who don’t have that luxury. So even the suggestion that I now have the “freedom” to do all the things I’d been “missing out on”, is really off-putting to me. While I’m starting to fee less annoyed by those comments, I’m definitely still dealing with a lot of feels that I was, admittedly, unprepared for. Feels that sometimes cause unexpected tears to leak from my eye holes.
I think one of the greatest joys of being a mom has been being able to witness my kids’ stories from the front row, VIP seats. To watch them grown and learn. To watch their joy and their heartache. To be there to hug them or catch them or be a safe target for their anger when they just need to feel their feels. To be not only emotionally present, but physically present to witness it all. Now that both my girls are out somewhat on their own, those front row seats have been passed on to others, as they should be. I am currently trying to figure out how to make sense of this new vantage point from which I am viewing their stories. It’s not really a sadness. I can’t be sad when I know they are out living their best young lives and finding their place in this big old world beyond the safety of home, to which they know they can always return if needed. It’s a little bit of a feeling of being lost in the letting them go knowing there will continue be joy, heartache, growth, and failures in their lives. And sometimes I will learn about it. And sometimes I won’t. It is all part of the progression of raising kids who eventually become fully functional, independent humans like our parents once did with us. And it is not a comfortable place for me. For many of us who have been called mom (or dad) I am guessing.
I don’t know how to wrap up this post into a neat little package because my processing of this transition period of time will be on-going for some time to come I do believe. I’m trying to give myself grace and allow myself the gift of time to feel my feels and figure out this new life arrangement. To use the tools, such as writing, that help me work through periods of big change and big emotions. Permission to let the tears fall if they need without feeling guilty or embarrassed by their presence. If you are finding yourself in a similar spot, know you are not alone.. You are not alone my friend.
Thanks for reading, Jenn
Woman After... 